Everybody Loves Bacon


“Hi, am I speaking to Suzy Morgan?”

“Um, no, you have the wrong number.”

“Hi, Suzy, I’m so glad I was able to reach you today, because I have something I’m really excited to share with you. You love bacon, don’t you?”

“Er… what? Do I love bacon?”

“Of course you do, everybody loves bacon! The sizzle, the scent, the mouthwatering taste. Everybody loves bacon!”

“Look, I have to go, my husband is—”

“Oh, let’s not talk about your husband, Suzy. Let’s not talk about any men for this whole conversation, huh? What do you say, huh Suzy? Hey, I know, let’s talk about bacon. You like bacon, don’t you?”

“I really have to go, though—”

“Great, I agree, I love bacon too. That’s why I’m so excited to talk to you about this great new offer here. Did you know that we’re turning bacon upside down over here?”

“You’re… wait, what? Listen, I really can’t—”

“That’s right, we’re turning over a new leaf with bacon! Introducing the new bacon bowl set! That’s right, now you can own what people are calling the easiest way to make fun-sized bowls of bacon!”

“I’m sorry, I really have to cut this short.”

“Is that a dog I hear?”

“That’s not really any of your… uh, yes, I have a dog.”

“What kind of dog is it?”

“He’s a Samoyed.”

“That’s great, Suzy. What’s his name?”


“That’s great, Suzy, that’s really great. I love dogs, and I’m glad you love dogs too. You know what dogs really love?”


“That’s right, dogs just love bacon, don’t they? And wouldn’t it really be something else if your Samoan dog could eat his food out of the cutest darn fun-sized bowls of bacon? Well, now he can. That’s right, any time good old Eyeroll wants to chow on a tasty bacon treat, you can just—”

“Wait, you’re losing me here. You’re saying you can make bacon into a bowl? How does that work exactly?”

“That’s right, bacon right into a fun-sized bowl. You just wrap the bacon around the special mold, put it in the oven or microwave and let it cook! That’s right, and the other great thing is—”

“Okay, I’m already sorry I asked. I really have to go get my husband, he’s waiting for me—”

“Oh, let’s not talk about husbands, Suzy. Let’s for once just spend a conversation between two women together and not have it be about some man, wouldn’t that be nice? I know, let’s talk about bacon.”

“Ma’am, I cannot continue this conversation with you any longer. My husband is at the hospital and I have to see him.”

“Oh… Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry Suzy.”

“My name isn’t—”

“Oh my gosh! Oh, that’s so terrible. I’m so sorry your husband is in the hospital, I really am. You know, Suzy, if your husband has health problems, the best thing about the bacon bowl set is the helpful chutes on the bottom that catch all the grease for you, so none of that yucky cholesterol is going to go anywhere near your husband’s arteries, and what’s great is—”

“He doesn’t have health problems! His arteries are just fine! My husband was in an accident.”

“Oh, gosh… yeah, I’m really sorry to hear that Suzy. I hope he gets better soon.”

“…well, thank you. I do too.”

“Is your husband a pilot?”


“Is he a pilot, like for the Goodyear blimp? Is that how he got into an accident?”

“Uh… yeah, sure, whatever. He’s a pilot for the Goodyear blimp.”

“I thought so. If there’s one thing I know Goodyear blimp pilots just love, it’s bacon! You know what would really cheer him up when he gets out? A tray of his favorite quiche, stuffed in the perfectly-rounded bowls of bacon with your very own set of—”

“Alright, look, the snow’s coming down really hard outside and I have to—”

“It’s snowing out there, huh? Gosh, that’s too bad. It’s really coming down hard up there, isn’t it? I’ve been hearing about it on the news. Say, you know what would really hit the spot after braving the cold hard winter up there? A nice toasty bacon bowl of—”

“Wait, up there? Where are you even calling from?”


“You’re not from anywhere around here, are you? You have no idea where I am right now, do you?”

“You’re from Ohio. Akron, Ohio.”


“I’m right, aren’t I?”

“I don’t really want to—”

“I knew it! You’re from Akron. That’s because the Goodyear blimps are situated in only three places in America, one in Carson, California, one in  Pompano Beach, Florida, and one in Akron, Ohio! And since you just told me it’s snowing where you live, that means you don’t live in California or Florida! So you live in Ohio!”

“I don’t really think this is amusing anymore. Please don’t call here ever again.”

“WAIT! Please, don’t hang up!”

“Ma’am, really I’ve had enough of this… are you… are you crying?”


“Ma’am, are you crying?”

“No. I’m eating an onion. I’m on my lunch break.”

“Come on, you’re not eating an onion.”

“Oh, what’s the use? I didn’t want it to be about this! I just wanted to have a conversation between two women that had nothing to do with men, just two women who really love bacon, but there’s just no getting around it! We’re just never going to talk about anything other than men.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Well, why not? We already talked about your husband anyway. Well, here goes. My boyfriend just left me. I’ve been dating him for two years now, and just like that he’s up and gone. No reason at all. I have no idea what I did, or what I could have done differently. I mean what’s the use now? I’m thirty-five, and everyone I know is married and has kids. And you’re married, and I don’t know if you have kids but you have Eyeroll.”

“His names Iroh, actually, it’s from—”

“I wouldn’t mind being alone if only everyone else didn’t talk up being in love so much, you know? But here you are, you have a nice family, a nice husband, a nice Samoan dog, and you’re doing great, and you all really love bacon. And I just thought if I could sell you the complete bacon bowl set for the low low price of $19.95, and throw in another one absolutely free, then, oh, I don’t know, it’s kind of stupid, but I thought that would have kind of made things okay. Then I’d get my bonus and I’d go out to the bars again and look for Mr. Right. But what’s the point? How am I going to go right this time when I went wrong for two whole years? Is this what love is? No different than a job hunt? ‘Well, real nice talking to you, sir, did I get the job?’ Y0u know, like that? It could drive a girl crazy, you know?”

“…look, being rejected hurts everybody, and I can only imagine how much pain you’re going through. But you shouldn’t go looking for anyone right now. You’re in a bad place, and you’re not the best you right now. You should take some time off, maybe, and just do the thing you used to enjoy, by yourself. Then you’ll start to think about things and eventually heal your own heart, so that when you meet the next guy, you’ll be the best you you can be.”

“…well, thanks, Suzy. Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it. I really do.”

“My name’s not Suzy, but you’re welcome.”

“Well, you should get going to the hospital then. I really hope your husband gets better.”

“He’s actually fine. I made that up before so I could get off the phone.”

“Oh. Yeah, I figured as much. Well, I still hope he doesn’t get hurt piloting the Goodyear blimp. Tell him I said hello and I wish him the best.”

“Oh. Well, thank you, I guess. Yeah, sure I’ll tell him that.”



“Say, before you go, would you maybe like to buy—”

“Absolutely not.”

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